![]() He seemed excited about meeting, and I found myself imagining a dramatic love affair. We’d had a brief fling eight years earlier and hadn’t spoken since.įeeling impulsive, I messaged him on Instagram. I only knew one person who lived there - an earnest, sensitive Italian man I’d met backpacking through southern Europe. Plus, there was the prospect of a holiday romance. I believed in the healing powers of sunshine, spaghetti and seeing the Sistine Chapel. So I closed my eyes, disappearing into memories and imaginings, surviving each day. I knew from experience that although I couldn’t see a way forward, life lingered just around the corner. When those thoughts shifted toward making plans, I reached out to friends, who intervened to help. I found myself wishing I had kept my feelings to myself.įor the first time in years, I thought seriously of taking my life. Pain feels worse when it’s familiar, like bumping the same bruise over and over. It felt like my fault: The intensity of my feelings had pushed away one of the best friends I’d ever had. When he ended our friendship abruptly over text, it was worse than a breakup. Ignoring this sensible advice, I poured my energy into the connection, hoping that one day my friend would love me the way I wanted him to. My older brother, a psychologist, told me, “Try to focus on the reality of the relationship, rather than its potential.” My feelings weren’t reciprocated, but we became even closer, bonded by our newfound honesty. During lockdown, I had finally told one of my best friends that I was in love with him. I focused on the only emotion that made me feel good - love. Still reeling from the pandemic, I felt lost, low and lonely. Summer never seemed to arrive in London, and I spent the overcast months being rejected from jobs, drinking gin and sleeping through the day. In love, my feelings are magical and constructive, rather than harmful and destructive.īefore booking the trip to Rome, I was, at 27, in a familiar pit of depression. I crave the consuming feeling of having a crush, because it channels my emotions into something outside of myself. Romance has always given me a similar sense of escape. New surroundings can create a sense of freedom, reminding you that life is full of possibilities. When stuck in your mind, you’re likely to feel trapped in your body. My psychiatrist said that traveling can be like geographic medicine. I had booked the holiday after the worst bout of mental illness I’d had in years. On every plane, at every coffee shop, I’m always hoping for a spark with someone. You know how people say that you’ll fall in love when you least expect it? I am never not expecting it. When I bumped into him on the street in Rome last summer, we hadn’t seen each other for nearly a decade.
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